Do you have a dream?

— Mom, do you have a dream?

— Dreams are for storytellers and helpless romantics.

— So are you saying it is a bad thing to have dreams in life?

— I am saying that it is better to have goals. Concrete, feasible aims and clear steps towards them.

— Dad always dreams.

— He dreams about impossible, unreal things. What’s the use of that?

— I don’t know. It makes him happy.

— Delusional happy. Nothing changes for him in reality. Don’t ever day-dream. Don’t waste your life.

— Have you ever had a dream?

— No, I don’t know how to dream. I don’t have enough imagination.

— So, even when you were a little kid, you never had a dear dream?

— Mm, the only thing I have ever dreamed of was to be like my sister, to look like her, to live her life, to always be together.

— You must have loved her so much.

— After she died, I stopped dreaming. Because dreaming is unreliable. You cannot control dreams. You will only get disappointed when your dreams are crushed in the brutal reality of the world.

Silence. What else can be said?

She went to her room, thinking, “If the world is so cruel, can the dreams be our comfort?”

“Unreliable, dangerous, useless, delusional,” she repeated the words without stop until she fell asleep. And in her dream, she saw her aunt take her hand and look deeply into her face. “Don’t be afraid to dream,” she said, “don’t be afraid to believe in the impossible.”

She woke up with a smile on her face and a dream in her heart.

D+r+e+a+m+s

Do you dream a lot?

I never daydream, but almost every single night I have a dream. I know we all have dreams at night, but if our sleep is deep enough, we won’t remember our dreams in the morning. I remember every single dream I have. I do not sleep well.

It all started a few years ago. Thinking and overthinking before going to bed always made me have vivid dreams at night. I wish they were only dreams. But often I think they are nightmares.

Do not get me wrong. I do not have bloody/scary/horror nightmares. I do not see zombies or monsters or killers or aliens in dreams. My dreams are rather psychological manifestations of all my fears and anxieties in real life. And sometimes it can be even scarier.

My dreams involve people I have or ever had close relationships with at some point. The dream scenarios are twisted and illogical, but somehow they represent the partial truth as well. I would dream of being bullied, being cheated on, being abandoned, being isolated, being misunderstood, being not accepted, being unloved. All the major conflicts I have ever had in life would be recreated in my dreams as if some very talented film director is trying to get the perfect shot of the same scene: take one, take two, take eighteen…. This perfection is often torturing me.

The morning without remembering a dream is a good morning for me. I feel rested and free. I do not dwell half of the day on the potential meaning of my last night dream. I live my life.

But on other days, dreams are catching up with me. They remind me of my pain, forgotten memory, some unresolved conflicts. I know my mind is trying to tell me something, encourage me to interpret stories of my life. The unconscious is always more genuine. But sometimes I just want to sleep well and let go of problems, at least in my dreams.

I mentioned the word “dream” so many times in this post that gradually it stopped making sense to me. What a weird combination of letters: d+r+e+a+m. It is not even a pretty word. Maybe dreams do not make any sense. Maybe I should not put too much meaning into them. After all, Freud’s ideas about dreams are not supported by experts today. Maybe I should stop overthinking about dreams. Maybe, dreams are just dreams. Maybe, just maybe.