Game of Life

What are you living for? Do you have “THE purpose” in life? You know, the one that defines you and your existence on this planet?! Everyone is shouting how you are supposed to figure it out, have THE goal of your life, and confidently go towards it, step by step, brick by brick. Sometimes life seems like not about the actual living, but trying to follow the perfect model, formula, “rules” of living. And you do it day after day, and you are supposed to be “happy” and “fulfilled,” but all it does is leaving you feeling fake, an imposter. You are not living your life. You are playing the game called Life. It is all pretending.

Living a life: what does it actually feel like? Enjoying life without the “must-have” purpose or passion or far-reaching goal? What is life all about? What is the purpose of life if you do not have a purpose?

I have recently watched new Disney movie Clouds, and it affected me profoundly, struck pretty hard. It is a movie about a kid with cancer, terminal stage. He is questioning his purpose of little time he has left on this planet. The story touched me to the deepest mostly because of how it makes us question what we are all doing here. We can be so caught up with things to do, things to accomplish by certain age, things to prove to ourselves and others that we forget about the very question: so what? if you were given a terminal diagnosis, what would you do? what would you focus on? would you still care about money? appearance? status? promotion? Is that what life is all about? Just think about it. What would you actually do if you were given a few months to live?

Fuck, sometimes I ask myself: do you really need to know you are dying to realize it is time to start LIVING?! Why cannot we be born with this realization that life is painfully short, and that you have a definite amount of time, so stop wasting your time, energy, emotions, thoughts on bullshit. Things that will never matter had you less than a year to live.

Even though I am an atheist, when I come across a story, a book, or movie about someone who dies young, but leaves an invaluable legacy behind, I always feel this person was “sent” to our planet for a short period of time to teach us something greater than us. Angels, do you exist?

Apart from these “messengers,” I also believe in ART. I believe it can unite people. It can make us relate to each other. It makes us pause our game of life. Art breaks the rules of any set game.

That’s why I am so obsessed with books, and poetry, and movies, and music, and any artistic expression. It surpasses our ego, our mind, brain, any man-made entity. It is something we cannot touch or explain, but it is the biggest achievement of humanity.

Art is life. No rules, no games. Pure, raw, and painfully beautiful.

audiobooks…greenlight

Ok, I have to admit from the start that I have never been into audiobooks before. In fact, I used to be a book snob and look down on people who opted for audiobooks instead of “real” physical hardcopied with words printed on pages books. And I feel bad about it. This year I have completely changed my opinion about this format of reading/hearing books. Since I have an amazon account, I thought I might as well use my free 9 credits in the audiobook app. This exposed me to a whole new experience. Listening to the voice of the original author. Tuning in with what a writer says in his or her book. Driving a car and completely losing myself in the world of spoken thoughts, uttered truths. Now I truly believe some books are best to be listened to. Sometimes you need to hear the authors to hear their message. Sometimes listening is more powerful than reading.

I feel like some kind of a paid promoter, but I swear I am not! However, I am still going to encourage you to get your hands (or ears) on one audiobook. It is called Greenlights. The author, the narrator is Matthew McConaughey. The actor. Turns out Mr. McConaughey is also a brilliant writer and storyteller. Who would have thought?

I haven’t finished the audiobook yet, but I already have so much to say about it. It is so different, so refreshing, so…weirdly…optimistic. Matthew takes you on a rollercoaster journey, sharing the most personal, hilarious, enlightening, serious, absurd stories of his life. It is not a linear story of success. It is a messy, unpredictable, but ingrainedly beautiful memoir which makes famous people – actors – look like all of us. Ordinary people with ordinary problems, ordinary crises, ordinary moments, and ordinary feelings and thoughts.

I say this book is so refreshing to me because I mostly read highly dramatic books. Not to say that they are pessimistic, but they usually take things very seriously and deal with pretty hard topics. McConaughey’s book Greenlights touches upon many heavy issues, but he does it with such a light tone that it makes you take life less seriously. It makes you feel it is OK even if you are not always ok. After every red light, there is a long-awaited greenlight. All it takes is some hard work, perseverance, and undeniable and unstoppable belief in the good turn of events.

I have instantly fell in love with Matthew’s idea of breaking walls and roofs someone else (or you yourself) has set up for you or other people. This book is all about breaking limits, stereotypes, boundaries, and any other unhealthy restraints on the path towards success. This book is about living, not “over-living” or “under-living.” How liberating is it to live a life without overthinking? How mind-free would it be to accept a lesson from any life situation without overanalyzing? No, I am not saying Matthew is shallow. Not at all. On the opposite, he is very insightful and often existentialist, but he knows how to move on and enjoy the life the way it is at the very moment. He knows how to focus on greenlights. Forget about red lights.

Matthew McConaughey is not just reading a book. He is acting it. Acting his own self. And it is absolutely magnetic. It is a show of one person. It is a show of one life.

So, yes, sometimes you need to listen to a book to feel its power. Audiobooks – greenlight.

So much time. So little time.

We have been together for 2,5 years. So many things have happened. So much time has passed since we met. So much I still haven’t said. So I am saying it now:

Thank you for being someone who came to my life when I least expected and most needed. I did not wait for you, but you came like a storm and swept me off my feet. I could not resist it. I did not want to stop it.

Thank you for being someone who has been committed from the first date. You made me part of your life from week 1. You introduced me to your friends in 2 weeks. You took me to meet your parents in 3 weeks. You took me on vacation in 4 weeks. You asked me to move in with you in a few months. You bought a house with me in a year. You asked me to share my life with you, forever.

Thank you for being someone who is so caring. You make me hot meal when I am sick. You hold my hand when I am sad. You let me sleep a bit longer. You make my tea a bit sweeter. You give me the best slice of cake.You put cream on my dry hands. You never let me carry heavy things. You ride a bike next to me even though you can go so much faster. You watch my favorite dramas with me even though you love comedy. You make me a bubble bath when I am tired. You bring me champagne for every little success I have. You are always here…when I need you, want you, miss you.

Thank you for being someone who made me believe in love again. I was lied, cheated, betrayed, misled so many times. I was broken. I unlearned to love. You were the one who showed me how to open my heart again. I learned how to love myself again and how to love you. You say, “I love you,” very often, but every time it is like the first time. Sometimes you are silent, but your hands say what you feel. I have never been touched so tenderly, so gently, so delicately. I have never been looked at with so much affection. I have never been desired so passionately. I have never been spoiled so regularly. I have never been loved so much.

Thank you for being someone who believed in me from the very beginning. You believe in my goals. You listen to my thoughts and ideas. You support my early steps in career. You share your experience. You look at my cover letters and resumes. You push me to do more blogging, more writing and creating every day. You boast to your family and friends about me. You are proud of my achievements. You cheer me up when I fail. You believe in me even when I do not believe in myself.

There are so many things I want to thank you for. So many more. I haven’t even mentioned the presents you give me, the dinners you cook for me, the trips you organize for me, the efforts you put for me to make our house the best home, the amount of hours you spend helping me achieve my dreams, the amount of love you give me every single day. Thank you for this all. Thank you for your love, for your care. For being who you are. Thank you for being the one.

So much time has passed since we met.

So little time has passed.

A whole life ahead of us…