My first experience with YouTubing

I have recently started my own YouTube channel, a Booktube (natable books) – yes, it is all about books, reading, and reviewing the new releases in literature! I am both excited and terrified. I have never thought I could have the courage to talk in front of camera and then put myself on display for the whole world (I have 10 subscribers now, 9 of them are my family members, lol).

There are two main reasons I started my channel.

First, as long as I remember myself, I have always been reading. From the very early childhood to my adult life now. Books mesmerised me. I loved getting new books, touching their pages, looking at how words made sense on a page, and diving deep into the stories. Before I always had my mom to share this hobby with. We would read the same books and discuss our feelings about them. It felt satisfying not just to read a book, but also to have someone read it simultaneously with you and discuss all the moments of the story when the impressions are still fresh. I moved away from home long time ago, and even though I constantly talk with my mom on the phone, we do not really discuss the books the way we did before. We have different time zones, different regimes, and even different languages we read the books in (I started reading more in English). Where I live now, I do not really have a close friend who chooses similar books as I do. I wish I had someone to share all the reading moments. So…that is why I decided to find it in the online reading community. It would be great to meet similar readers and thinkers and literally read the same books together. Just like it was before.

Second, I started the Vlog as a chance to tackle my greatest fear – public speaking and being in front of people/camera. I grew up in the society that did not teach the skills of speaking with confidence, defending your position, and being free-spirited and free-minded. When I moved to another country, I understood how the world is different and how it is so much more fun to live a life with no fears or anxieties. Being in front of a camera is one of the biggest fears for me. I often freeze, forget all my words, and cannot think of anything smart to say. It is so much easier for me to write than to speak. But I do not want this to be a part of my personality. I believe you can become who you want to be if you take risks. Right now I am taking a chance and we will see what is going to come out of it.

My YouTube journey has just begun, and I hope it will be an interesting and unforgettable ride!

Link to my YouTube channel:

Instagram: @natable.books

Hello, Fear

Are you familiar with this type of fear? Do you remember how it feels every time?

You wake up in the morning, and it is right there already. You think about it, and your palms become hot and sweaty. Your heart starts pounding like a hammer inside the body. Every beat resonates in your mind. Your stomach gets twisted like Twizzlers, and you don’t know how to untangle it. The face starts to itch. A bit of rash on the skin. You sweat. You feel your shirt gets wet and sticks to your chest and arms. The clothes become your second skin, but it does not help or protect you from the fear. Inhumane, animal fear. You cannot think rationally. You repeat word by word, phrase by phrase, and nothing seems to hang in your mind. It is empty, a canvas. Fear erases all the logical thoughts. Your brain knows only one thing: “I am scared!”

You move in a rush. Hustle, hustle, hustle. You know you need to stop to calm down, so you try meditation. Some good relaxation song to pause the racing mind. But all in vain: it agitates you even more. The quieter the song is, the more thoughts are on your noisy mind. The struggle goes on. You talk to someone instead: your friend, your mom, your boyfriend. They say wise, encouraging words, but nothing changes the fact. You are scared. Scared to death. You try to let the feeling go, like Sedona Method says. You acknowledge the fear, plunge into it, and embrace it. It does calm you for a minute, but then your mind escapes again. And you feel hopeless. Tortured a bit.

You finish your morning routine. Driving eases you for a moment. But once you enter the building, you start trembling again. Your guts shake inside. You step in the room. You see hundreds of eyes. You settle the table. The presentation is on. You open your mouth and say: “Well, hello, Fear. Here we are again, face to face.” And the Fear answers: “My pleasure. Enjoy your presentation. Until next time.”

And then it leaves, the fear of public speaking. Until the next time. And you don’t miss it all.